Awkward moments

“Share some embarrassing moments you faced in life honestly,” a colleague told me.
I blushed at first but then pressed the rewind button.
I remembered my trainee days when I got a rebuke from the editor for repeatedly pronouncing Sean Connery as “Seen” Connery and not “Schon.”
Another awkward moment was when I was sleeping after night shift and the grocery man knocked at the door. “You are always sleeping at home, while your wife works hard,” he advised. I refused to give him tip that day saying I am jobless.
A different uncomfortable moment was when I was newly married and offered to take my wife on a bicycle ride in Chennai. Moments later we both fell on the road and I instantly blamed her of being too fat. She did not talk to me the whole day.

Mind the thoughts

I know many guys who had troubled childhood that carried on as a load of worry in later years. It is hard to untangle what is tangled in your mind.
During my childhood days, my mom used to push me inside my house anytime a drunkard passed by. Most drunkards used to create a scene in Chennai and I was warned not to meddle with them. It took years for me to stand and face a guy under the influence of alcohol.
My brother used to scare me by holding a cockroach in his hand and I used to run for my life. It was not until I was left alone in a room with many cockroaches that I was able to shed the fear.
Never ever mingle with toxic people. I repeat what I said once. When I was asked to use spectacles, it was just minus 1. When I reached home, one idiot neighbour reacted, “What? Minusss 1. You are blind. You are finished.” In fear, I tried all tricks to beat blindness. Another undiluted idiot suggested that I put coconut oil in my eyes. A fool said “eat one dozen carrots a day.” God, so many self-proclaimed “doctors.” It took years for me to recover from the fear that I would turn total blind.
As I was narrating all this to my pretty friend, she cut short and said: “KISS.”
“What?” I was stunned (joyfully of course).
“Keep it short, stupid,” she vanished.

Bald and beautiful

My friend Henry was looking into the mirror and splashing talcum powder on his body when he felt a pinch on his legs. He had forgotten to notice his brother sitting down with a laptop. Both the laptop and the brother’s head were covered with powder and that was the cause for the angry pinch.
Make-up is an art mastered by women. Men are not made up for make-up. But with the advent of the metrosexual man, make-up is breaking the sex barrier. The craving to look good, in fact, lands some men in deep trouble.
A Gujarati friend in Mumbai wanted to beat baldness. He tried wigs but was not happy. Someone told him that a balm was effective. He went for it. The balm actually had some acid mix. Result: A deep, black mark on his head. All he could do later was to cover his head with a cap.
“Mr B. There’s way to remove that mark,” I suggested playfully one day.
“How?”
“Our laundry man can bleach all stains.”
Mr B chased me away with four-letter words.
Boss, as I always say, nothing can make us look better than a hearty smile.
OK, a crisp joke:
“Dream big,” a teacher told the class.
“Then allow me to sleep for an hour,” replied a boy.

To cap it all

My nephew returned home with an attractive cap and threw it on me.
“This is a famous brand and costs $40. Chuck your loose shirts, go for slim fits and wake up to fashion conscience.”
His other words did not enter my ears. $40 for a cap? OMG, I would have bargained a $5 cap for $2. The GenNext is so different.
When in Mumbai, I used to wear different types of caps. I remember how my colleague D’Cruz said: “My hubby saw you at the rail station at 1am (after night duty) and recognized you by your cap. You are not a mad chap, but a mad cap.” She laughed at her own stupid joke.
One editor I met kept asking me where I had bought my cap. I still don’t know whether he liked it or was making fun of me. Nonetheless, he gave me an assignment and I got the money. Lucky cap.
But can’t say caps always brought me luck. A great friend who happened to be a girl gifted me a cap some time ago with the words “Look’g gr8.” Thrilled, I thought we will be inseparable friends. After the gift, this friend drifted away, not to be seen for months. Unlucky cap.
When I entered office with the Billabong cap gifted by my nephew, the first friend who greeted me said, “Super. But you should not wear it straight. Reverse it.” He reversed it on his own. After a while, another guy turned the cap on the sides and said, “This is the latest fashion.”
Fed up, I kept the cap on my hand.
“Why don’t you wear it?” asked a female colleague.
“Latest fashion. Hold the cap in your hand and let the suspense hang,” I winked as she blinked.

Mirror, change the figure

My darling Mirror looked at me with a sulking face. Naturally, it just did its job of reflecting.
Why was I sulking?
Oh, there is a list.
To renew my daughter’s passport in Chennai, we need an affidavit from Dubai consulate as I work here. The bureaucracy. Ooof.
Eight of my qualified friends need jobs. May be, I will go back to Mumbai and start a Sales Academy where everyone on earth can get a job.
My close buddy is a six times Guinness record holder. He struggles in Mumbai even to buy a decent roof, while trillions of rupees are looted by politicians and we can just talk, blog and go to sleep. Now scams are not in lakhs, millions or billions, but trillions.
Hey stop. Mirror, mirror, change the figure.
And there I go: A little workout, a sip of optimism, and a wide smile.
I am not going to give up buddy.
Let’s not allow the corrupt society to snatch our happiness even for a minute.
Maybe a joke (picked from the Net) can bring back the smile faster.
“Mulla. Lend me $50,” said the neighbour.
“I give you 25.”
“Give $50 please.”
“$25 is better as the loss is even for both of us. You lose 25, I lose 25.”

Puncture the pride

Shaadaab, Ansar and me have been going together for evening tea sessions for the past 10 years.
Yesterday, we were in a philosophical mood and offered to share a story/joke.
* “The mountain mocked at the ant for the third day,” began Ansar. “Haha, you are so tiny.” The ant moved off quietly. On the fourth day, the ant looked at the mountain and laughed. “Why are you laughing?” asked the mountain. “I wanted to ask you to move a foot away. I realised you cannot even move an inch by yourself,” replied the ant.
* Shaadaab started his story:
A man had committed 49 murders and at last repented his actions. He decided to hang himself upside down from a tree until God forgives him. “Let all the leaves of the tree fall off when you forgive,” he prayed and tied himself upside down. Months went on without any relief. One day, a man dragged a beautiful girl under the same tree and tried to rape her. This guy on penance could not take it anymore. After all, he knew the best ways to murder. He untied himself, pounced on the culprit and killed him with one blow. All the leaves fell off the tree at once.
* It was my turn to tell a story. I remembered Osho’s Mulla joke:
It was the couple's first quarrel.
"And you tell me that several women proposed marriage to you?" asked the wife.
"Yes, several," replied the Mulla.
"Well, I wish you had married the first fool who proposed."
"I did," said Nasrudin.

Feel good factor

I was cleaning up my cupboard and stumbled on a beautiful Laughing Buddha figurine. It revived wonderful memories.
A couple of years ago I used to buy tiny statues of Laughing Buddha from a particular shop owned by a Bohri Muslim in Navi Mumbai and gift them to friends. It was supposed to bring luck to the receiver.
I was stunned by the reactions. Most friends reported they received at least one good news.
No. I do not believe in superstitions. But I was happy coz I was able to see my friends happy.
Some dub it destiny; others call it pleasant surprise. But I like what Carl Jung called “meaningful coincidences.”
Colleague Sylvi came running and said: “Your LB worked wonders. I got good news.”
“Do not tell me you are getting engaged. One or two handsome colleagues may jump out of window,” I joked.
“Shut up,” she continued, “I got a pay hike.”
Ravi echoed similar sentiments. “I got pleasant news from home town,” he told me.
When I visited the shop again, the owner asked me why I was buying so many of the same gift item. I told him the reason.
With a broad smile, he offered a bigger Laughing Buddha saying, “You are giving everyone. Now, we are giving you this gift. Tell us if you get good news.”
I swear. Within a month I got a job offer from a Sharjah newspaper, which I accepted.

Best thing to do with lips, smile

Some people do know how to laugh it out their own way.
Take my friend M. Between his bushy beard and mountainous moustache, we can hardly make out whether he is laughing or crying after hearing our joke.
CM is a different type. You utter a comic story and he will LOL so much that the building will shake.
Female friends have a special knack. S will run for her kerchief, close her mouth and blink. Soon there will be tear drops in her eyes, leaving us worried whether our joke made her cry.
M is funny. Only his teeth will protrude. He will come close to you and make a sound like a mouse screeching apukukuk…
As someone said, the next time you see anyone without a smile, give one of yours. Let them smile or laugh the way they choose.

Happy Diwali