Get set, cheer up, move on

It's bye, bye 2010…Welcome 2011…

Sending positive vibes and wishes to everyone visiting this blog: Let 2011 bring good health, peace and prosperity to you. Some blog buddies have been of tremendous help, motivating me personally and professionally. A sincere thanks for that. I am sure our bond will strengthen further in the coming years. Stay connected.

Mama don’t preach

“Do you know what my little daughter scribbled in her notebook?” asked a shocked mom and close friend of mine.

“What?”

“I wanna fall in love,” she said sounding worried. The child is just in Grade 3.

I am not surprised.

I was hearing two days ago from a teacher this story.

A Grade 4 girl rushed to the teacher and said in a hush-hush tone: “Warn this boy. He is talking nonsense and saying he will make me pregnant.”

The stunned teacher called the boy and admonished him: “She is your classmate and like your sister.”

The boy reacted: “This girl talks too much ma’am. She is spreading rumours in class that I look at porn sites.”

The teacher blushed more than the students.

These are real life stories, not made up by me.

Information explosion is having a negative impact on kids. Just like the knife that can be used for good purpose (cutting vegetables) and for killing people, Internet has dangerous flip sides. All depends on how we use the medium.

Media has been unhelpful. India’s top newspaper carries this headline on its website’s front page: “Ten kissing commandments.”

Tauba tauba. I am not getting deeper into this post. I am an innocent little lad.

No fear, she’s here

Heard this joke:

“Dad, are you not afraid of lion and tiger?”

“Nope.”

“What about thunder and lightning?”

“Certainly not.”

“Ghosts and demons?”

“Nothing scares me.”

“Awesome dad. You are only scared of mom.”

NB: Wifie and daughter have arrived for a week. So catch up ASAP.

Divided on unity

Are you for joint family system? asked a colleague.

“I am for it. However, the system is dead worldwide. It won’t work anymore,” I replied.

“You are wrong. There are still families that stay together happily,” she argued.

“Maybe. Some are in joint family just because of necessity. Beneath the bonhomie lie despair and disagreements. This is a material world,” I said. 

“Maybe you have had a bitter experience,” she got personal.

“Not true. Anyway, are you married?” I asked her.

“No.”

“Matter closed. Get married, stay with your mother-in-law and let’s meet after two years,” I replied and moved off before she could throw a folder on me.  

Heard this joke:

“I remember John whenever I see you,” Mulla Nasruddin told a friend.

“I do not resemble John in any way,” replied the friend.

“But you both owe me $100.”

Chase and chastise

The elevator stopped on the 3^rd floor and I was about to step out when I saw him standing there. I instantly pressed two and moved to the 2^nd floor. I saw him rushing through the stairs.

I took out my mobile and acted as if I was talking to someone. I was amazed at the way he ran down the stairs at that speed at that age. He came close. I rushed to the rest room. After a minute in the smelly toilet, I came out to see him combing his hair looking at the mirror.

He’s a peon who chases me for money at the drop of a hat. 

“My brother is not well,” he started his tale.

I do not mind charity, but some seekers overdo things. I have already paid him on occasions. I also gathered that he had different tales for other colleagues.   

“I cannot spare a dirham,” I told him bluntly and walked away. No need to run or hide this time.

Oscar Wilde said it right: Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Sounding rude? Sorry. But if you want a taste of his nagging, just send me your phone number.

NB: I saw a female friend running from him and it was real fun..haha.

Home's not where the heart is

I went to a property expo in Dubai along with Mr Subu.

“Indians are flush with money. There is no recession. Better buy a house now or regret forever,” campaigned a marketing guy.

He continued in a rapid tone as if selling tomatoes: “Don’t keep thinking too much. Just buy,”

I got him closer: “It is really great to hear that all Indians have become rich. Why is it that I and Mr Subu are not in that list though we are also Indians? We think twice even to buy potatoes.”

The guy looked astonished for a moment, checked around and murmured: “Boss. Do not say just two of you. I am also in your list. That makes us three. It’s just that I am doing my job.”

Before I could finish laughing, he went on: “Buy that plot near Shirdi. It will fetch you millions of rupees in just a few years.”

The King's Speech

There was a special screening of The King's Speech for the media at the Mall of the Emirates today as part of the Dubai International Film Festival, and I was lucky to be there.

TKS is the story of Prince Albert (Colin Firth), second son of King George V (Michael Gambon), and his wife Elizabeth (Helena Bonham Carter). Albert was born with a speech impediment. He seeks help from an unconventional therapist named Lionel Logue (Geoffrey Rush).  When King George died, Albert's older brother David (Guy Pearce) ascended to the throne, only to abdicate so that he could marry a divorcee. This left Prince Albert in line to become King of England (George the VI). The Second World War was approaching and he had to speak to the nation.

This kind of film is not my cup of tea as I prefer action/comedy. But I should concede that TKS is gripping. A special pat to Firth and Rush.

Two lines I liked:
Dr Logue: Do you know any jokes?
King George: Timing isn't my strong suit. 

***Lilbet: What's he saying? (Watching a Hitler speech)

King George: I don't know but he seems to be saying it rather well.

Press Control S

The control key on the keyboard does not work, said my colleague.

“Call the technical guys and change the keyboard,” I said.

“Oh, they escaped,” she replied.

“I saw the one who wears a caP at the canteen,” I said.

“That cap guy locked the room and left.”

“If you cannot finish the work, go home.”

“I cannot do that. Boss had warned not to SHIFT blame on anyone and just finish my work.”

“OK, there is a key you can press and go HOME,” I replied.

“You mean PAUSE?” she asked eagerly.

“END.”

NB: The first line is from a bumper sticker. Rest are my imagination. 

Taka taka tak…

I opened the door to see some men clearing up the opposite room.
“Vacating?” I asked.
“Ya. We are shifting to the next street. Seven years is too much,” said a Chinese-looking neighbour. I had seen her many times, but never talked.
“Seven years? I have been here nine years and we have never talked a word. If you don’t mind, where are you from?” I asked, stupidly thinking she will reply China.
“Darjeeling,” she said.
Ma Salama. And she was gone.
So much for neighbourhood.
Remembered an incident narrated by a friend about his nosy neighbour. In Mumbai, many residents keep their doors open. Neighbours interact on a day- to-day basis.
One day this friend had a tall, dark female visitor. At the opposite room, a housewife was engaged in tailoring work and the machine was going on “taka taka taka…” This friend left the door open and the two chatted. He suddenly told her he got a new job. The lady instantly gave him a bear hug. Blushing, he pointed to the door. She was double his size, picked him up literally up to the door and pushed it while holding him.
Suddenly the machine sound stopped. Taka taka tak.
Silence for a minute. My friend, still in her grip, peeped through the little open door. The neighbour had stopped her machine and looked out like a giraffe pointing its head out.
In a moment, the friend opened his door and the neighbour had almost reached his door to check out.
Snooping neighbours may be a blessing for wives, but not Casanovas.

Classic car show in Dubai

I had been to the classic car show near Burj Khalifa in Dubai on Thursday. Sharing a few pictures clicked on the same outdated greatgranddad-donated mobile of mine.
Hope you like this.







The last pic is at the Ajman wholesale veg market. Just so that you do not forget me.

Awkward moments

“Share some embarrassing moments you faced in life honestly,” a colleague told me.
I blushed at first but then pressed the rewind button.
I remembered my trainee days when I got a rebuke from the editor for repeatedly pronouncing Sean Connery as “Seen” Connery and not “Schon.”
Another awkward moment was when I was sleeping after night shift and the grocery man knocked at the door. “You are always sleeping at home, while your wife works hard,” he advised. I refused to give him tip that day saying I am jobless.
A different uncomfortable moment was when I was newly married and offered to take my wife on a bicycle ride in Chennai. Moments later we both fell on the road and I instantly blamed her of being too fat. She did not talk to me the whole day.

Mind the thoughts

I know many guys who had troubled childhood that carried on as a load of worry in later years. It is hard to untangle what is tangled in your mind.
During my childhood days, my mom used to push me inside my house anytime a drunkard passed by. Most drunkards used to create a scene in Chennai and I was warned not to meddle with them. It took years for me to stand and face a guy under the influence of alcohol.
My brother used to scare me by holding a cockroach in his hand and I used to run for my life. It was not until I was left alone in a room with many cockroaches that I was able to shed the fear.
Never ever mingle with toxic people. I repeat what I said once. When I was asked to use spectacles, it was just minus 1. When I reached home, one idiot neighbour reacted, “What? Minusss 1. You are blind. You are finished.” In fear, I tried all tricks to beat blindness. Another undiluted idiot suggested that I put coconut oil in my eyes. A fool said “eat one dozen carrots a day.” God, so many self-proclaimed “doctors.” It took years for me to recover from the fear that I would turn total blind.
As I was narrating all this to my pretty friend, she cut short and said: “KISS.”
“What?” I was stunned (joyfully of course).
“Keep it short, stupid,” she vanished.

Bald and beautiful

My friend Henry was looking into the mirror and splashing talcum powder on his body when he felt a pinch on his legs. He had forgotten to notice his brother sitting down with a laptop. Both the laptop and the brother’s head were covered with powder and that was the cause for the angry pinch.
Make-up is an art mastered by women. Men are not made up for make-up. But with the advent of the metrosexual man, make-up is breaking the sex barrier. The craving to look good, in fact, lands some men in deep trouble.
A Gujarati friend in Mumbai wanted to beat baldness. He tried wigs but was not happy. Someone told him that a balm was effective. He went for it. The balm actually had some acid mix. Result: A deep, black mark on his head. All he could do later was to cover his head with a cap.
“Mr B. There’s way to remove that mark,” I suggested playfully one day.
“How?”
“Our laundry man can bleach all stains.”
Mr B chased me away with four-letter words.
Boss, as I always say, nothing can make us look better than a hearty smile.
OK, a crisp joke:
“Dream big,” a teacher told the class.
“Then allow me to sleep for an hour,” replied a boy.

To cap it all

My nephew returned home with an attractive cap and threw it on me.
“This is a famous brand and costs $40. Chuck your loose shirts, go for slim fits and wake up to fashion conscience.”
His other words did not enter my ears. $40 for a cap? OMG, I would have bargained a $5 cap for $2. The GenNext is so different.
When in Mumbai, I used to wear different types of caps. I remember how my colleague D’Cruz said: “My hubby saw you at the rail station at 1am (after night duty) and recognized you by your cap. You are not a mad chap, but a mad cap.” She laughed at her own stupid joke.
One editor I met kept asking me where I had bought my cap. I still don’t know whether he liked it or was making fun of me. Nonetheless, he gave me an assignment and I got the money. Lucky cap.
But can’t say caps always brought me luck. A great friend who happened to be a girl gifted me a cap some time ago with the words “Look’g gr8.” Thrilled, I thought we will be inseparable friends. After the gift, this friend drifted away, not to be seen for months. Unlucky cap.
When I entered office with the Billabong cap gifted by my nephew, the first friend who greeted me said, “Super. But you should not wear it straight. Reverse it.” He reversed it on his own. After a while, another guy turned the cap on the sides and said, “This is the latest fashion.”
Fed up, I kept the cap on my hand.
“Why don’t you wear it?” asked a female colleague.
“Latest fashion. Hold the cap in your hand and let the suspense hang,” I winked as she blinked.

Mirror, change the figure

My darling Mirror looked at me with a sulking face. Naturally, it just did its job of reflecting.
Why was I sulking?
Oh, there is a list.
To renew my daughter’s passport in Chennai, we need an affidavit from Dubai consulate as I work here. The bureaucracy. Ooof.
Eight of my qualified friends need jobs. May be, I will go back to Mumbai and start a Sales Academy where everyone on earth can get a job.
My close buddy is a six times Guinness record holder. He struggles in Mumbai even to buy a decent roof, while trillions of rupees are looted by politicians and we can just talk, blog and go to sleep. Now scams are not in lakhs, millions or billions, but trillions.
Hey stop. Mirror, mirror, change the figure.
And there I go: A little workout, a sip of optimism, and a wide smile.
I am not going to give up buddy.
Let’s not allow the corrupt society to snatch our happiness even for a minute.
Maybe a joke (picked from the Net) can bring back the smile faster.
“Mulla. Lend me $50,” said the neighbour.
“I give you 25.”
“Give $50 please.”
“$25 is better as the loss is even for both of us. You lose 25, I lose 25.”

Puncture the pride

Shaadaab, Ansar and me have been going together for evening tea sessions for the past 10 years.
Yesterday, we were in a philosophical mood and offered to share a story/joke.
* “The mountain mocked at the ant for the third day,” began Ansar. “Haha, you are so tiny.” The ant moved off quietly. On the fourth day, the ant looked at the mountain and laughed. “Why are you laughing?” asked the mountain. “I wanted to ask you to move a foot away. I realised you cannot even move an inch by yourself,” replied the ant.
* Shaadaab started his story:
A man had committed 49 murders and at last repented his actions. He decided to hang himself upside down from a tree until God forgives him. “Let all the leaves of the tree fall off when you forgive,” he prayed and tied himself upside down. Months went on without any relief. One day, a man dragged a beautiful girl under the same tree and tried to rape her. This guy on penance could not take it anymore. After all, he knew the best ways to murder. He untied himself, pounced on the culprit and killed him with one blow. All the leaves fell off the tree at once.
* It was my turn to tell a story. I remembered Osho’s Mulla joke:
It was the couple's first quarrel.
"And you tell me that several women proposed marriage to you?" asked the wife.
"Yes, several," replied the Mulla.
"Well, I wish you had married the first fool who proposed."
"I did," said Nasrudin.

Feel good factor

I was cleaning up my cupboard and stumbled on a beautiful Laughing Buddha figurine. It revived wonderful memories.
A couple of years ago I used to buy tiny statues of Laughing Buddha from a particular shop owned by a Bohri Muslim in Navi Mumbai and gift them to friends. It was supposed to bring luck to the receiver.
I was stunned by the reactions. Most friends reported they received at least one good news.
No. I do not believe in superstitions. But I was happy coz I was able to see my friends happy.
Some dub it destiny; others call it pleasant surprise. But I like what Carl Jung called “meaningful coincidences.”
Colleague Sylvi came running and said: “Your LB worked wonders. I got good news.”
“Do not tell me you are getting engaged. One or two handsome colleagues may jump out of window,” I joked.
“Shut up,” she continued, “I got a pay hike.”
Ravi echoed similar sentiments. “I got pleasant news from home town,” he told me.
When I visited the shop again, the owner asked me why I was buying so many of the same gift item. I told him the reason.
With a broad smile, he offered a bigger Laughing Buddha saying, “You are giving everyone. Now, we are giving you this gift. Tell us if you get good news.”
I swear. Within a month I got a job offer from a Sharjah newspaper, which I accepted.

Best thing to do with lips, smile

Some people do know how to laugh it out their own way.
Take my friend M. Between his bushy beard and mountainous moustache, we can hardly make out whether he is laughing or crying after hearing our joke.
CM is a different type. You utter a comic story and he will LOL so much that the building will shake.
Female friends have a special knack. S will run for her kerchief, close her mouth and blink. Soon there will be tear drops in her eyes, leaving us worried whether our joke made her cry.
M is funny. Only his teeth will protrude. He will come close to you and make a sound like a mouse screeching apukukuk…
As someone said, the next time you see anyone without a smile, give one of yours. Let them smile or laugh the way they choose.

Happy Diwali

Oh boy, these girls…

I was joking with my little nephew on the phone.
“Adam-teasing is increasing. We handsome youngsters cannot walk on the road peacefully as girls pass comments,” I said.
“What’s Adam teasing?” he asked.
“Girls teasing us,” I replied.
“Oh God,” he sounded genuinely worried.
After a little silence, he suggested: “Why don’t you carry chilli powder? When they pass comments throw it on their face.”
“I cannot indulge in violence,” I replied.
Again he kept silent.
“We do not have such problems in Bangalore. Here only boys tease girls,” he said.
“What if they throw chilli powder on your eyes?” I asked.
“Haha. We are smart. We wear sunglasses when we pass comments,” he laughed again.
His closing comments proved he was not innocent.
“If girls keep harassing you, stop dyeing your hair. They will know your real age.”
I banged the phone.

Even breathing sells

If I am right it’s Confucius who said, "When you breathe, you inspire, when you do not breathe, you expire."
It’s funny. People are so occupied running after money, they are forced to pay cash even to learn how to breathe properly. Ya, I mean yoga. It’s a multi-billion dollar business worldwide. But I do not mind. Healthy people make healthy company.
The famous Rhea Pillai (Ex-wife Sanju baba) was giving a demonstration for Art of Living in Mumbai when I was working for a Mumbai daily. “Your courses seem to be for the elite. What about the poor? Can’t you guys teach the poor also how to breathe properly? I asked.
I was amazed by her cool composure. She laughed and said, “You should join us in our programmes in prisons and slums. You will see for yourself.”
When Baba Ramdev came to Dubai some months ago, I met him. “If only people spent some time on yoga, they could save money and worry,” he insisted. I feel even he is beyond the reach of the poor.
I remember my school days when we had a yoga class. That has helped me until today.
Heard this joke: “Join a yoga class,” he told her.
“I have enough worries already at home,” she replied.
“Good. Try yoga, your worries will go.”
“Yoga is the worry. My hubby is a yoga teacher and the income is hardly enough.”

'Fight against hunger' to begin in Dubai

Here is a report on World Food Program I wrote for my newspaper today: Sorry about the length.

By R. Ramesh

The Gulf Today, 25 Oct 2010

DUBAI will be the launch pad for a GCC-wide fund-raising campaign against global hunger to be launched from Nov.1 by the UN World Food Programme (WFP).

Stating this in an exclusive interview with The Gulf Today, WFP’s Regional Director Dr Daly Belgasmi cautioned that the fund situation for projects to fight hunger world-wide was alarming.

“This is where generous countries like the UAE offer hope,” he said.

Started as a temporary contingency base for Central Asia humanitarian emergency in 2001, the Dubai centre is now a bustling logistic hub for the agency.

A new spectrum of food crisis looms with over a billion going to bed hungry every night worldwide. While the budget earmarked for 2010 was $6.7 billion, the WFP could receive only half the amount so far.

The WFP says that the global food aid deliveries of 5.7 million tonnes in 2009 were the lowest since 1961; programme food aid declined by 25 per cent, emergency food aid by 12 per cent and project food aid by six per cent.

“The prices of commodities such as wheat have shot up. Russia’s decision to ban export of wheat till 2011-end because of drought has also compounded the problem,” Belgasmy noted.

The situation forced the WFP to cut rations, thereby affecting calorie intake of the beneficiaries. In the occupied Palestinian territories, for example, the calorie levels were below the minimum prescribed, falling from 2,100 to 700.

According to Belgasmi, the ‘Fight Against Hunger’ campaign is being launched in the UAE in partnership with various industry leaders.

Each partner is expected to provide unique “interactive” and “relationship” marketing expertise to generate cash for the programme.

“In line with WFP’s strategic objectives for the Middle East region to raise both awareness for WFP’s humanitarian activities and developmental initiatives, as well as local funds, we will be launching mass fund-raising campaigns throughout the year,” stated Belgasmy.

“It’s a mix between a consumer marketing initiative and a B2B proposal as part of Corporate Social Responsibility,” explained Ashraf Hamouda, senior partnership and business development Manager, WFP.

“The aim is to reach the maximum number of the general public, criss-crossing the population wherever they exist, hitting two birds with one stone, branding as well as reach,” he added.

The WFP argues that 3Fs — fuel, finance and food crisis — have hit the poor worst.

“Due to this, the calorie intake is less, malnutrition high and the most vulnerable are children and pregnant women,” Belgasmy noted.

Most WFP activities in the UAE are actively supported and partnered by the Red Crescent Authority (RCA).

Sheikh Hamdan Bin Zayed Al Nahyan, Chairman of the UAE RCA, had earlier stated that the initiatives adopted by the UAE aim at securing food to those who need it and provide all means of living to millions of peoples who experience severe hunger and its tragic consequences.

Hailing UAE’s role in fighting hunger, Belgasmy said that the RCA’s constructive partnerships with WFP had made remarkable difference in the standard of services to victims of poverty and hunger worldwide.

The WFP and RCA officials insist that the current humanitarian challenges require broader international cooperation and activation of partnership among international community institutions and organisations and active forces to deliver food, which is a basic right to every individual.

Couple chemistry

Couples. How different they are!
*She came from Lucknow, India. He came from Peshawar, Pakistan. They worked in our office for two years. Fell in love, got married. Yesterday, got good news that the Indo-Pak JV bundle of joy baby girl was born in Bahrain, where they moved. The guy had told me, “You are the second Indian I love after my wife.” How sweet.

* I know another couple. The wife loves to talk. The moment she opens her mouth, her husband will cut in, “Let me tell ma,” and start his lecture. One day, she was sitting close to him when I entered. She started off when this guy lifted his fingers close to her eyes, “wait maaa.. lemme..” I was scared he will poke her eyes and escaped.

* I went to meet one guy. “Hi,” he said, when his wife reached the visitors’ room with cooking utensils on hand. With the dumbo staring, the fierce wife posed stupid questions. “I heard you are looking for freelancers,” I asked him. He continued to stare while his wife asked, “Do you have experience?” I had had enough. “I have experience in cooking stories, just like you cook food.”

* A guy told his friend, “My wife knows I am a confirmed flirt.”
“Ya, she told me last week in the beach,” the friend replied.

*Why so much about couples in this post?
Hehe. My wedding anniversary today. OK, join the party in Sharjah, my darling blog buddies.

The wonder weapon

This is my 400th post. Made me introspect the meaning of life.
Here goes a wonderful one from Pascal of the seventeenth century:
When I consider the short duration of life, swallowed up in the eternity that lies before and after it, when I consider the little space I fill and I see, engulfed in the infinite immensity of spaces of which I am ignorant, and which know me not, I rest frightened and astonished, for there is no reason why I should be here rather than there. Why now rather than then? By whose order and direction have this place and time been ascribed to me!
Super, right?
I am no philosopher. Surprisingly, many have asked me how I could keep my smile intact. Maybe the devil heard it and tried his trick.
My closest friends had to move off, many lost jobs, family went and roommate shifted.
Putting me in a room alone is like offering a monkey banana after sewing its lips.
When a window closes, many others open. Some bloggers like Dr N and FW stayed with me.
Somewhere down the line, I realized I was losing the mightiest weapon: The smile. I have sworn to bring it back. Not only on myself but also all my associates, whoever crosses my path.
You may be among the Forbes’ top ten richest list. But you are just a robot if you can’t smile.
So here goes. Am standing before the mirror and heyyy, me smiling… grinning…all the way.J
What about you? my darling friend.

Lion in the cage

I opened the door to see my nephew. “I am staying with you for three days,” he declared. He is going through a tough time. He could not make it to his dad’s (my brother’s) funeral, three months ago. Nor could I. Well, situations boss.
Anyway, just wanted to tell you how people “chadavv” (praise as a fooling tact) us.
“You should have been here last week. I was in pain and there was none to even offer me water,” I went sentimental.
“What ya? You are a lion, though in a cage now. You don’t need anyone,” he shot back.
Pusss. Ego blaster.
I was talking to him and opened the G-mail.
“Hey RR. You are so sweet. I miss you man. Huggies and love. Never give me up,” went the mail.
Elated, I saw the sender’s name and my face went like an egg being broken into a steam hot pan.
Wow, what a romantic friend you have? What’s she doing? asked my nephew.
“This grandma is just retiring,” I shut the computer.

'Queen’s visit to UAE will strengthen ties’

I had a chance to interview the British Ambassador to the UAE Mr Dominic Jermey for our newspaper. Please check out the link:
http://www.gulftoday.ae/portal/33816cba-5233-4392-a2ea-9a8a9baf52d2.aspx

By R. Ramesh
Dignified diplomacy, stunning simplicity and honest humour. That aptly describes Dominic Jermey, who recently took over as Britain’s ambassador to the United Arab Emirates.

The ambassador on Thursday shared his views on diverse and controversial topics in an exclusive interview with The Gulf Today stating that Queen Elizabeth II and the Duke of Edinburgh’s proposed state visit to the UAE next month will be a celebration of strength of the historic relations between the two countries.

On UAE’s demand for UK to ease travel procedures for its citizens, the envoy insisted that vigorous discussions were going on regarding the subject. He noted that his government was working to make the system as efficient and user-friendly as possible for the Emiratis.

Asked about a solution to the Palestinian sufferings, the ambassador said that all kinds of sabre rattling should end immediately and the peace talks allowed to move on. He pointed out that the international community was disappointed with the settlements activity by Israel and conceded that the settlements are illegal and make the peace negotiations harder.

He appreciated the UAE stand on islands issue saying that dialogue, as pursued by the UAE, was the best way out.

On Iran, the ambassador cautioned that Tehran getting nuclear arms could pose a threat to regional stability.

Dominic Jermey was until recently a Managing Director of UK Trade and Investment, where he was responsible for supporting the UK's innovative business sectors. He has served in Afghanistan and Pakistan in various capacities.

In an impromptu break during the interview, the down-to-earth ambassador praised Indian musician AR Rahman saying that he loved his songs. He sang the first lines of “Maa Tujhe Salaam,” and blurted a few words in chaste Hindi.

Excerpts from the interview:

Queen Elizabeth II and the Duke of Edinburgh are paying a state visit to the UAE next month. This is their first visit to the Gulf region for over 30 years. What significance does it hold for UAE-UK relations?
We see it as a celebration of strength of the historic relations between the two countries. The UAE and Britain have links dating back many hundreds of years. The royal couple will meet President His Highness Sheikh Khalifa Bin Zayed Al Nahyan. As we strengthen our friendship for the future, this visit celebrates the depth and breadth of those ties. She will also be interacting with leaders from Muslim faith.

Such top-level visits are also a continuing process. Within weeks of taking over as head of the coalition government, British Prime Minister David Cameron visited the UAE, indicating that the friendship is based on a unique, shared history and common interests.

The UAE wants UK to ease travel procedures for its citizens. There has been lack of reciprocity from the British side on this aspect!
Vigorous discussions are going on regarding this subject. When I came to the UAE, I had a valid visa, which is part of the requirement. And that’s fine. We have specific requirements for the GCC and other nations. We are working to make the system as efficient and user-friendly as possible for the Emiratis.

It is well known that Israel has deadly nuclear weapons. But Britain hardly ever raises this issue. When it comes to some other countries, say Iran, the approach is different. Why?
If Iran wants to develop a civil nuclear programme, it is alright. We have been working with the UAE, Jordan etc on such lines. But the problem with Iran is that its actions do not indicate such a civil nuclear programme. Tehran is not engaging the International Atomic Energy Agency. They have to answer questions on the nuclear programme.

There are three points on this subject. The sanctions against Iran are imposed by the United Nations and even Russia and China are part of it. Iran getting nuclear arms can be a threat to regional stability. Iran has stated that Israel cannot exist. That kind of policy can raise concerns.

So what’s the solution to the nuclear issue?
The signing of the non-proliferation treaty. We want all, including Israel, to sign the NPT.

The UAE has been striving for a peaceful solution to the issue of three islands of Abu Moussa and Greater and Lesser Tunbs occupied by Iran. What is Britain’s stand on this?
Dialogue, as is being pursued by the UAE, is the best way out.

Do you really feel a negotiated, peaceful solution to the Palestinian problem is possible?
Within a year, we see some kind of resolution to the Palestinian problem. It is the responsibility of all of us in the international community to work towards this.

We want to see a democratic, stable and viable Palestinian state. We have a “head of steam” approach in order to push forward the peace process. There should not be any more sabre rattling from any sides. We should help the parties involved achieve the peace objectives.

We have always been clear that a fundamental requirement of the peace process is the recognition of Israel’s right to exist. But the key issue today remains for the Israeli government to freeze settlement activity urgently so that talks can continue to achieve the real price of a peace deal of a secure Israel living alongside a sovereign and viable Palestinian state.

Calling for a freeze on settlements is not a precondition to talks. Settlements are, however, illegal and they create facts on the ground making negotiations harder.

Islamaphobia seems to be on the rise in UK!
We have three million Muslims in Britain. Some media coverage on this subject has not been helpful. We are very clear that racism or any such form of bias is not acceptable in our society. The UK is the largest centre for Sharia compliant finance.

The UAE-UK Task Force was established in July, 2010, to strengthen the ties between the two countries. What have been the achievements so far?
The task force was established in July following the visits of British Prime Minister David Cameron to the UAE, and UAE Foreign Minister Sheikh Abdullah Bin Zayed Al Nahyan to the UK, with the intention of further strengthening the ties between the two countries.

The UAE is a very important player in the Gulf Co-operation Council and Arab League. The historical links and shared values between the two countries provide an excellent foundation for cooperation. The idea is to build on these to deliver mutually beneficial objectives.

The task force agreed on a range of areas in which the two countries would look to extend and deepen cooperation, including defence, trade and investment, energy and climate change, international development; culture, education, health and sport.

There have been lots of idea exchanges and the signals are quite positive.

Trade and investment is at the heart of bilateral relationship. The UAE is UK's 13th largest export market. Is it business as usual or recession has had any major impact on this relationship?
Our goal is to build concrete steps towards realising the ambition of increasing bilateral trade across all sectors to £ 12 billion by 2015, excluding oil and defence. I am confident that the target will be reached even earlier than that.

Where does it stand now?
The present figure is somewhere around £ 7 billion. Trade and investment is at the heart of our bilateral relationship. The efforts on this front are concrete. Joint Economic Committee meetings are held. We are talking to various business groups, including various chambers of commerce. We are looking at a wide range of sectors including IT and financial services.

You mean there has been no major impact of recession?
Setback, yes. But the UAE transparency is much better understood in the UK. There is scope for much more British investment. The Masdar Initiative will take off this month in London and the prospects are good. Also, the steps initiated by Dubai World sent a solid signal. Concerns can be addressed and the outlook is positive.

How do you see the future of UAE-UK relations?
Well, more than 130,000 British citizens live and work in the UAE. There are 140 direct flights. Over a million British nationals visit the UAE every year. The bond is strong already. And it only strengthens by the day.

Hi buddies

Sorry buddies. Dentist out of town and dental pain has been driving me mental for a week. Will catch up in a day or two. Keep the cheers till then.

No problem at all-2

I picked up some more inspiring points from Tamil thinker Sivam’s speech.
Inferiority complex is a dirty disease. If we have a particular weakness, there’s no shame in accepting it. For example, even great leaders like Vivekananda and Gandhi made errors while speaking in English.
There was a chief minister of Tamil Nadu called OPR. He had to send a reply to the central government. While writing, he spelt “opinion” wrong. His assistant, worried about boss’s image, corrected it and brought a new draft. OPR told him, “They asked my opinion, not yours. Let them know the truth that I don’t know proper English.”
Lack of confidence can kill. A man was being punished. His eyes were shut, his hand was pricked with a pin and he was told that his blood will spill drop by drop until he dies. The sound of drops scared the man so much that he died in just 45 minutes. Actually, it was water from a vessel that was allowed to drip and not blood.
Confidence is a wonderful gift. In Paris a competition was held for clapping longest time. While many gave up in a short while, one pair of hands went on clapping for four hours. When called to the stage, two people stood up. Both had single hands.

No problem at all-1

I was hearing a speech by famous Tamil thinker Su.Ki. Sivam and it was full of wisdom.
“Shun inferiority complex,” was the message.
There are people who keep cribbing “If only I had a bigger house..,” “If only I had a car..,” and so on. One guy cried, “If only I were two inches taller, I would have joined the police force.” Sivam questions this attitude. “There is no height constraint in becoming a Collector. He could have aimed at becoming that.”
Napoleon, former Indian PM Shastri, Al Pacino were short people, but look at their tall achievements.
There’s an interesting story. One revolutionary youth was arrested by the police and put in prison. His 72-year-old dad wrote a letter lambasting the youth. “In our neighbourhood, everyone is farming potatoes. Instead of working here, you have foolishly gone to prison. What use your being my son?” He went on criticizing the son, closing the letter with, “I will now go and do the farming myself.” The youth shot back a letter, “You stupid old man. Don’t dig our land. I have hidden arms and ammunition there.” The next day, a military squad surrounded the home, pulled up the old man and ripped apart the entire land. Nothing was found. The son wrote to dad again, “On my behalf, I have made the government help you out.”

Deceptive humility

Never trust a man who is too quiet and too humble, commented friend Ravi.
“Thank God, I may not qualify for that list. If you had said ‘keep off talkative guys,’ I would have been worried,” I replied.
And I asked why he made the comment.
He narrated this true story.
This neighbour had a quiet, submissive son. The son always respected his father. When he got a job, he offered the “entire” first month salary of Rs5,000 to his dad. The proud father was touched. As days went by, the dad thought the son should get married. When he suggested this, the son reacted strongly, “Never dad. You are very important for me. No marriage.” Again the dad was moved to tears. What a gifted son. The neighbours were not amused. “Maybe he is in love, check out,” they told the dad. He checked out. And then came the shock.
The son was not only already married; he had two school-going sons too.
He had concealed his affair with a neighbouring girl all through.
Well. Well.
Heard this joke:
The computer beat me at chess; I avenged with boxing.

No need for anesthesia

With wife around (tomorrow I become a married bachelor again. She returns to Chennai), it was party time, and we, along with a few wonderful friends, were out most of the time in Dubai. Throughout, you - yes you - my buddies were on my mind.
Yesterday, we were in Dubai’s empty Wafi Mall and a shopkeeper started a discussion.
“Do you know what’s happening in Kashmir?” he asked me.
“Not pretty much,” I replied.
“Over hundred people were killed recently just because they were protesting peacefully. Curfews are clamped regularly, women are harassed and children cannot go to school in peace.”
In a few minutes, he was in tears.
“All we want is a peaceful life. Why can’t Kashmiris be left alone?” he asked.
I and friend Subu felt sad and moved to the next shop, where a Syrian salesman greeted us. He was smiling throughout.
“Are you married?” was his first question.
“Once, but don’t mind again,” I joked as my wife stood outside the shop.
I blurted a few words in Arabic and he happily passed on a handmade soap as a gift.
In the morning I had been to the dentist.
“You need to remove four caps. You may be having an infection. Wait, I will give local anesthesia,” said the doctor.
“No need for anesthesia,” I replied. “Just tell me the fees and I will become unconscious anyway.”

‘Diverse’ society: He, she & they

He married twice, had kids, gave up and married another woman, who had married twice and had kids. The children of the spouses joined the well-wishers and blessed the couple.
She is married, has a son, and is now separating from her husband, opting to wed a younger man.
He is married, but not happy with his wife. She loves him and struggles to keep the relation going.
She is an Indian, not married, but prefers to live with him in Germany. She has two foster children now.
He’s an Indian in love with a local girl, ended up marrying an African.
She is here in the UAE, he is there in India. Both love each other, but hardly meet.
These are a few instances I know of personally.
A few years ago, most of these acts would have been scandals. Thank or blame globalisation, not so any more. It’s all in the mind.
With the combined stress of homework and office work telling on them, a colleague told me that many women now prefer to remain homemakers even when they had top academic qualifications.
Well, well. The society is changing. Money, money… Run, run.
That’s the norm.
Buddies, don’t waste time. On your mark, get set. Hey, don’t run so fast, me wanna join you.

Wife and the wallet

It was not the right joke to read on the Net when my wife is in town, but it went like this:
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a gorgeous woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!""What happened?" asked his friend.
"My wife found out..."
I read this aloud and my wife looked at me angrily.
“But you are such a good wife. You never ask to buy anything,” I tried to please her.
“Thanks. All I need is a new cellphone,” she replied.
Before I could recover from the shock, she added: “Let’s not go for an expensive laptop. Our daughter can adjust with a cheaper one.”
“Will you think of anything for me?” I asked.
“Of course. Let’s buy a bigger wallet for you. The one you have is too small.”

Carry on doctor

I thought doctors are serious, introverted people who stick to their work day and night - blood, injections, death certificates. I was wrong. Many doctors have active blogs and wonderful friends’ circles. Some even take to politics. Fiery trade union leader Dr Datta Samant was so powerful, when I asked for an interview, he replied: “Meet me midnight, maybe I will be free.” I interviewed him surrounded by labourers.
The Mumbai dentist who fleeced me was active on stage. Once he was doing root canal while murmuring something. I was screaming with pain. He told me: “You create so much drama I will forget my lines for today’s drama.”
There’s this old doctor in Chennai who will rip the rich. But when it comes to poor he will melt. A poor relative of mine used this weakness. After getting the prescription, the uncle will shake his fingers through his torn shirt pocket. The doctor will smile and say “namaste.” The uncle will escape.
Interestingly, many of my dentist friends are dentist-couples. How is it? Do most dentists fall in love at college? Shucks, why female journalists never followed suit?
PS: Murphy is not leaving me. I had an offer to visit China. I was told I had to leave on Sept.24. On that date, my bitter-half, oh, better-half, is arriving in Dubai. So China, next time.
Hey buddies, read this joke on the Net.
A doc tells patient: “Sorry, you have little time to live.”
How long?
“10.”
“10 what? Years, days?
“9,8…” continued the doctor.

When I was in tears

I rushed from the kitchen when the door bell rang. It was the laundry boy.
“How much?” I asked collecting the clothes.
But he was staring at me with much sympathy.
“Anna sugamthanne?” (Brother all OK?) he asked in a compassionate tone.
“I am OK. How much?” I repeated.
“Ten dirhams. But everyone fine at home? Do you need any help?” he asked again.
I was wondering what was wrong with this guy.
Picking the money, he said, “Don’t keep worrying. Everything will be fine.”
After he left, I went to my room and tried to arrange the clothes in the cupboard. It was then that I glanced at the mirror and realized what was wrong.
My eyes were red, with flowing tears.
I had been peeling onion for a sumptuous “sambar.”
He had assumed I was crying.

This pain is a gain

Watching films with friends has its own charm. She was a new colleague. Our office in Mumbai was surrounded by cinema houses. “I have a pass for a comedy movie. Wanna join?” she asked. Am I mad to say no? Hey, no mischief OK. A wonderful friend she was, and is. She enjoyed the movie thoroughly, but I did not. Why? For every dialogue, she was laughing out so loud that others would look at me like a cat pricked with a needle. At times, her laughter was like thunder. A dodo even told her, “Volume please.”
When the movie ended, she asked, “Good movie, right?”
“Thunderous comedy,” I replied.
She thought I was talking about the film.
Three of us were at a movie hall and one was an expert in whistling. For every punch dialogue by Rajnikant, the hero, he sent out a loud whistle. The man sitting next to us was a short-tempered dumbo. He kept shouting at my friend. The altercation almost ended in fisticuffs. The fun was lost. I wonder what is fun in a cinema hall without whistles, popcorn sounds and humourous comments. For some it may be a pain, but sometimes pain is gain. Like when muscles ache after exercise..vallah, I enjoy that pain.
Hey, a Mulla Nasruddin joke.
Mulla was returning with wife after interval at the theatre. “Did I step on your tow as I went out?” he asked a man at the end of the row. “You did and not even apologise,” replied the angry man. Mulla ignored him and called his wife, “Ya darling, this is our row.”

Stay hungry, stay foolish

All sorts do make the world. Some grumpy goats remain as cold as ice even when we discuss serious matters.
I was choking when I narrated an incident to an acquaintance: “This wonderful friend was engaged to a cheerful, handsome guy. I was very happy for her. Now, I am in distress when I hear the boy is no more.”
His reply: “Hmmm.”
No emotions.
I was telling another grumpy guy about how Apple’s Steve Jobs struggled in his early days. Jobs’ biological mom put him for adoption. “We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?” she had asked. He didn’t have a dorm room and slept on floor in friends’ room. He returned Coke bottles and would walk seven miles every Sunday night to get a good meal at the Hare Krsna temple in the US. The Whole Earth Catalogue carried a line: Stay hungry, stay foolish. This line had a deep impact on Jobs.
I thought I had given an inspiring speech but all that the irritable friend replied was, “I see.” I realized I was talking to the wall.
No expression. No reaction.
To add insult to injury, the guy started talking about his “stupid” boss, who threw files on the floor whenever he got angry. Saying this, he laughed loudly.
This time I turned expressionless.
What a sweet revenge.

Bury the worry

“I do not want to be a believer. I want to be the knower,” said Rabindranath Tagore. “I want to be innocent enough so that existence reveals its mysteries to me.” Profound words.
When I read this I remembered a Tamil actor I interviewed years ago. “I am a God-fearing guy,” he told me. I instantly asked him, “Why should we fear God? Should we not love God?”
It’s sad that fanaticism is on the rise. Wish more and more people realise that God is global and unifying, not divisive. I and a dear blog friend always address God as GG (Global God).
OK, no serious stuff. Let’s bury worry and go for a joke.
The barber asked Mulla Nasruddin, “What happened? You are losing hair fast.”
“Worries,” replied Mulla.
“What worry?”
“About losing my hair.”

This bowl can never be filled

Eid Mubarak.
I love this Sufi story. Am sure you will too.
A beggar came to an emperor and said, “I will accept your charity only on one condition.” The emperor was shocked. Here’s a beggar who imposes a condition to accept alms.
“What?” he asked.
“I accept only if you can fill my begging bowl absolutely.”
The king looked at the small bowl. “You think I cannot fill this dirty, tiny bowl?” he shouted and ordered his assistant to fill it with diamonds, pearls and other precious stones. The bowl was filled, but the king and courtiers were shocked. As the gems fell into the bowl, they disappeared. It was filled many times, and each time the bowl turned empty. “I will not lose to a beggar. Even if all my treasures are emptied, no hassle. Fill the bowl,” ordered the king. Soon the treasures were emptied. Everything just disappeared in the bowl.
At last the king pleaded with the beggar. “What’s the secret?”
“Simple,” laughed the beggar. “I made the bowl of human ego. Nothing can completely fill a man’s ego.”

Oh boy, what did the girl say?

Osho Rajneesh mixed philosophy with humour. I was reading about him and picked these two jokes from his speech to share with you.
A man loved two beautiful women and was always in trouble. (Even one beautiful woman is trouble enough..Hehe). Both the women wanted to know whom he loved most. They took him on a motorboat to a lake. Once in the middle of the lake, which was deep, they stopped the boat and told him, “We cannot take it anymore. Tell us whom you love most.” The man understood his predicament. He thought deeply and replied: “I love each of you more than the other.”
A boy was brought to court for stealing a girl’s bicycle. “I did not steal. She gave it,” he argued. “She was riding me home on the handlebars and stopped in the woods; took off her coat and jeans and said I can have anything. I preferred the bicycle.”
The philosopher’s advice: “Just be intelligent. Don’t take the bicycle,”

All sorts make the world

I was talking to photo studio owner Salim about different kinds of people, when he narrated about a guy he knew.
This fellow had a habit of going close to things and reading aloud the names printed on them. For example, if he saw a sticker “Open” on the door, he would read aloud “Opennn.” If he sees an ointment lying on the floor, he would loudly read “Soframycinnn.”
This guy came with a group of friends to click a snap. Salim had lined up the guys for a group snap, gone back to his camera and was about to shoot, when he saw a dark image closing on the lens. Shocked, he lifted his face from the camera to see the guy covering the camera lens with his face and shouting, “Nikonnn.”
One guy I knew loved to sing, but with his eyes closed. One day, three of us cheered him with a “wow..,” for the first two lines and slowly sneaked away to the canteen. When we returned he blasted us saying, “You crooks. The boss screamed at me.”

Hips pay for lips’ folly

The problem with a mirror is it always reflects the truth and the truth is that truth is bitter.
Four of us entered the elevator and all three, except me, instantly glanced at the mirror and looked pleased. Only I did not care to look. OK. I did. Why don’t you guys allow me to tell a lie once in a while?
What I saw left me aghast.
While my mind always refuses to have a broad outlook, my tummy did. Gosh. A fat, ugly tummy.
As someone said, the hips pay for lips’ folly (in eating. What did you think?).
I remembered how I pulled my friend’s leg when he tried to stand on a weighing machine: “It doesn’t allow more than one person to stand on it.”
I warned him, “eat to live, not live to eat.” Now, what I am not eating is eating me up: The home food. Unhealthy and untimely hotel food can be damaging and it shows on me.
Hey buddies, don’t worry. I have found a solution. I will start cooking myself. That will be good enough reason to stop eating. I will then shed flab, no fat, only fit. Heyyyyy. Yummy idea. Wanna join? I am waiting to cook for you.

A gorilla smarter than me

Studies reveal that animals are cleverer than we thought. Many exhibit emotions similar to humans.
As soon as I entered office, I told S that humans and chimpanzees share 99% of our DNA.
I can’t agree with you more, he replied, and went on to say how royally an ape was sitting at Kolkata zoo. Legs crossed, the animal was puffing a cigarette, when children began to throw things at him. After tolerating for a while, the animal began to pick up the things and throw back at the children. When the kids made funny sounds, the ape imitated.
The interesting thing I read is about a gorilla named Kola in Congo. It learned to test the electric fence surrounding his forest reserve by holding a grass stem up to the wire. The stem will conduct a bit of current, enough to show Kola the fence is turned on, but not enough to give him a shock. Author Michael Hanlon argues that not all humans would be able to do this.
I support Australian philosopher Peter Singer who argues that if it is right to take a chimp’s life to save a human then it may also be right, under circumstances, to take a human’s life to save a chimp.
(This is the concluding part of yesterday’s post)